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Showing posts from 2009
It is weird what has happening with me since I came back; things are moving at a blinding pace. It seems a whirlwind has engulfed me within its bounds, and I do not know when it shall end. I can only hope it does!!

My Last Week in Hyderabad

Yes, its my last week in Hyderabad. It has been an interesting period of time. Was it well spent? I do not know. I learned a lot about people, life and much more. Most of all, I learned a lot about the art of movie making. Anyways, I recently watched two telugu movies: Arundhathi and Sagarasangamam, both of which I would remark as good movies. More on that some other time. I am finally going back to Delhi. I hope I do regain contact with myself, something I lost in Hyderabad. God bless us all!
I have truly lost peace of mind working where I am nowadays; I wish I could just leave it all and run away from it all. But how long can I run away from life. everybody thinks of me to be arrogant; I was shocked to know the level of ignorance about me, and this confirmed my beliefs. People usually think I do not know what is going on around me, but trust me, I read the signs better than most people, and saw this coming. I just pray now that I get a decent job in Delhi, so that I can be spared this mental ordeal that I have to bear everyday here in Hyderabad.
I do not know what has happened to me here. The whole world seems to be a sad, piquant place, and a shadow of melancholy covers my mind, protecting me from the rays of the happy sun. God save me now; but I have to fight this sense of loneliness that just refuses to leave me. Watched Raaz of Rajesh Khanna recently. My God does Rajeev Khandelwal look like Rajesh Khanna of those times!

Secunderabad Diaries

Its humid nowadays; the city is recuperating from the spell of intense heat that had been unleashed on it for a month and a half by the forces of nature, and is slowly limping back to normal. Today, I am all alone in the house, as everybody else has left for their personal work. The only person that I knew out of my office has gone to her home for three weeks, so I am trying to pass time by reading books of all kinds and watching movies and documentaries. I recently came across this documentary called "The Trials of Henry Kissinger", which I highly recommend for all those who claim to be intellectuals. The movie, though a tool for anti-imperialist thugs like the Communists, is an amazing expression of freedom, which I doubt if we shall ever be able to talk so openly about our 'great leaders' in such a critical way as well, even after their death. Meanwhile, Hyderabad finally got a decent place in the form of GVK One at (you guessed it right), Banjara Hills. Its not op

Love

It felt strange for the first time But yet it felt familiar The sound of it was vague to me And yet, somewhere it was similar Similar to that of a thousand starlings in song while I touched the daffodils in bloom And the breeze blowing the hair of my face Impishly playing with it When I sit next to the window in my room The words had a succulent taste to them Made me remember the time I first sucked a Popsicle And the juices playing with my taste buds But it was heavenly like that; maybe more Though you may call me fickle There was a fragrance to the touch, as he Raised my hand, and took it close to his heart Like the fragrance of the first rain drops That evoke such a mesmerizing scent When they kiss the parched terrains. His heart beat was fast, his hands were shivery And yet, there was pleasure in both As he said aloud to me "I love you Marie" And my hands then went cold "How can you play a trick like this?" I screamed "Playing with the emotions of a b

"I am Being Followed"-Chapter 12

I decided, after gathering some courage, to enter back into our office, where the editor and I used to sit and discuss; where my idealism used to clash with his sense of journalism. The last conversation is still haunting me deep in my heart, as I hear each word distinctly. “You know what Sam, you are fresh out of college. That is why you can afford to think like this. Do you think the people really care with others’ feelings? We are all sadists, face it. The sooner you accept it, the easier it will be for you in this profession.” “Fuck you man. How can you be so cruel? Even if they belong to the ghettoes or to the highest strata of society, they are all people. Civility, justice and moral journalism all demand that everyone be seen equal in their eyes; that they all are equally at the receiving end of the stick as much as they are the wielders of the same. Even if everyone becomes a sadist, I will be conscious enough not to be the same.” “Cut the crap lady,” he spoke, as he squashed
Life is such a drag for me nowadays; I do not know what to do in this sweltering Hyderabad heat. It is so hot I feel a times that my eyelids are drying out if I do not take enough water any day. I do not feel happy nowadays; not that I am sad; but I am in a zone of emotions where one is totally blank; where he or she does not realize what really is going on in the mind. I am trying to realize; perhaps it is part of the on-going process of understanding myself. I have been reading Lokmanya Tilak's biography nowadays, and feel ashamed about the kind of life I am leading right now. This man had started a reputed college and school by the time he was twenty four; and here I am, rotting away in wait of my twenty third birthday. But one thing is for sure; I am close to realizing what I really want to do with my life. I just wish that I now can really gather the courage and strength to follow that calling.

Hopes

Let there be light Over the darkness shall it prevail Let there be power For the weak’s protection without fail Let there be joy To kill the sorrows hidden within us Let there be poverty For none shall be rich and mock others thus Let there be food For none shall ever go hungry Let there be peace For due to violence none shall be angry Let there be no God For in Its name no one shall die Let there be no borders For expanding which none shall try Let there be smiles That stretch ear to ear, and are genuine Let there be doctors Who never, ever run out of medicine Let all people be blind For colour, creed and race shall cease to be visible Let all tongues be dead For spewing venom then none shall be able Let us all be dumb For none shall judge the other Let life take its normal course So that sons cremate their fathers Let greed be stymied forever For then the planet shall exist And the air shall be clean; the water shall be clear And from creating pollution we desist Tell me, is
Its hot nowadays in Hyderabad. If you ask around, people will patiently inform you that the weather is normal for this time of the year, and that it shall last till the end of April, when the pre-monsoon showers shall begin. I do not know about that, but for now, the heat is really getting to me for sure. I have not been to some of the famous places yet. It seems surprising; in Delhi, I used to die to visit monuments; what has happened to me now? Sometimes, I wish I could force myself to visit the Qutb Shahi tombs or even go the Qutubuddin Sha dargah. But none of that seems to be happening at all. I am turning into what I fear the most; an inactive, pessimistic person.

"I Really Love You"

I met you a few days back, You seemed so odd to me. There were changes in your look, That did not appeal to me. The hair was different, the ears had an extra piercing, The clothes you wore seemed strange, the shoes were shimmering. You were in tune with the others, not with me, And I had thought, here was someone who understood me. You asked me how it looked, And I quietly smiled. Not willing to hurt your feelings, I said you looked just fine. Your attitude was so different towards me You seemed to shifty around me As if I made you highly uncomfortable, And that you did not wish to be seen around me. You laughed in a manner that was totally fake, You tried to stir up conversations with some intricacy. And I tried to understand what was wrong today Why you were hurting my soul pointedly. What was my fault, that I was being treated thus Were you ashamed of your "friend", as you had once said of me? I felt embarrassed and guilty, for making you feel this way But was it real

I Am Going Crazy-Chapter 11

I am going crazy. Nothing seems to make sense now to me. The killer is on loose again, and all I can do is while away, poring over clues on his target next. Will it be Sam, or will it be the forensic scientist again? What were his patterns; what were his trademarks? With age, I have also lost my ability to recall. But he is around us, or was. But is it enough to catch hold of him, and make him pay for what he has done? Destiny is on his side once again. And here stand I, licking at my wounded pride that still exists after missing him on so may occasions. What is Stanley up to right now? Frankly, I don’t know. I don’t care as well, strangely. Once, I would have been all fired up, but today, I am totally distant with all that is happening around me? Is it my old age? Or has this line made me like this? Impassionate, distant, lost? I was standing outside, watching an unconscious woman on ventilator, who had been administered a lethal dose of thallium. How could this have been done, withou

Laaleshwari

“Welcome. You must have been waiting for a very long time, I believe,” she said to me. She walked towards me in the lounge, where I had been waiting for her. “Not at all,” I replied, as I got up to shake hands with her. “In fact, for a minute I thought that I was late, for I do not wear a watch. My name is Rohit.” “I know that, Mr. Mattoo had informed me previously. I am Laaleshwari Kaul. I was looking forward to meeting you. How is your documentary shooting going on?” “Fairly well,” I spoke, as I walked along with her into the hospital, as she led me towards the infirmary. “How are you today?” “Just as usual,” she spoke, as we went past one ward after the other. The day was very normal. “Boy,” I said, “It’s a bit chilly today.” “You think so? I thought the weather was better than last week. It was really hot,” she smiled, as we closed in on the infirmary, which seemed a nice, warm and cozy building made of wood and stone. “Here is the infirmary. Do you want to go and have some tea fir

"I Have Been Poisoned"-Chapter 10

And I was brought back into action for inspecting another body. It feels strange sometimes that all I do is to tear up some already torn, mutilated or rotting bodies for a living. But that’s what people do; some kill for a living, some bury them. Me; I just inspect them to ascertain reasons of death. I was looking through this body, which was relatively neater than the others, when my second assistant came in to say that Maher had come in. I was perplexed; Maher had not met me for several months now. What could he possibly have to do with me now? I instructed him to ask Maher to wait, while I washed my hands at the sink, and moved out of the room that should also be called “The Museum of Death”. Maher was there, waiting for me besides the lonely window that was the only source of natural light for my room, and seemed a bit lost, when I entered in. “So,” I spoke directly, “what’s up? What brought you here?” He turned around to look at me. Those piercing eyes conveyed a sense of frustrat

Confessions of The Murderer-Chapter 9

Am I crazy? Maybe. Can you call me lunatic? Probably. Can you say that I killed her? Most certainly. Does it matter to you why I killed her? It does, though you were in no way related to that woman. That scum was rightly killed. She was aware of her beauty, and was ruthless in taking advantage of it. The woman was a blot on how society should be. How can anybody use something advantageous about them to create havoc like that? What about the editor, you may ask. What wrong was he doing? I’ll tell you what wrong he was doing. But how can you understand what wrong he was doing. You people are the same ones who were complicit in his crime. You are the same people who were reading that salacious gossip that the newspaper “The Daily Star” was belting out. The trash was absolutely unacceptable; it was crass and vulgar, just like that woman (what was her name? Yeah, Dawn Jones) How could he have done that? I still remember that night and the rising waters, as me and Maher were struggling to st